yet another issue

fred - okay so this is just quick.....see this guy one day and im like hmm..whatever, pretty weird looking but cute, something sexy bout him....didnt really care. anywyas, one night he comes out and we start talking and ohmigawd, we just really connected. like everyone thinks he's prety rude but he's just quiet and shy. anyways, this goes on for weeks, we'd just talked and go on for ages, but never kissed. along the way, he'd gotten into fights for me and we'd dance and have a generally great time. ( i mean how long have i been in teh country for? since november and finaly hook up with on new years) then one night he tried to kiss me and im like nah. so next time i see him he's got a hickey on his neck. and im like thinking this is why i didn't get with u if u screwed me over. and he did. but the thing is....um...i kinda hooked up with u kno who so its pretty hypocritical. but then on friday night he's like 'im so sorry i did that. if i could take it back i would. i really like you. i think your amazing. i dont even know why i feel this way when we haven't even done anything. if i could ever choose between you adn ths other chick id pick you. i was so drunk and i haven't sen her since, i dont want to.' and the thing is, i do believe him. like it's not sexual motivation, and i know he does feel for me, i can see it when he looks at me. i know he doesn't want to go to le bar, he wants to hit trumours, but only does to see me. and so i say 'its all good. i hooked up with someone else too.' and shit, i felt so bad when i saw his face. man, he just looked so upset. so sad....and i was like 'im so sorry.' and then he goes all quiet and then goes off, saying he didn't mean what he said and he wouldn't do anything with me, etc. and shit, i know he's lying. its actually weird to know that about someone u barely even know but u really do know. and so im like 'fine, dont talk 2 me again.' and i do mean it.

all of this happened at bloody hervey bay yet again. honestly that place! he was staying at Susan River Homestead and i was moving from accomodation to accomodation as I was with the travel agent. this is not the point, im talking about fred here.

im not wasting my time on his immaturity. like he's 17, he's got nothing -no car, no money, a real bush kanaka, wears the same shit all the time. but put aside that superficial shit adn i feel for him. and i walk off, and he's like 'oh shit, im sorry. please dance with me. at least be friends with me.' and i just keep going, feeling like a fool, really doubting his feelings for me now, but im easy, i just leave. have teh best night 2. and next night i see him and lets say we talked for so long.....he was just like ' i was so pissed off u got with some other guy' and the rest is pretty intimate and personal, really deep shit so i wont get into that. and i finally gave hiim my number coz i never wanted to, adn he says he'll call. and i know he wont. coz he'll be 2 scared and he's like me, hates that shit. so he gets paul to call me. but at the same time, im like have teh decency and courage to do that. and then i go out to new years and get with how many people and then with fred (who shaved his head and looks weird). hope he never finds out. but he's leaving 2 tanna today so i dont think i'll ever see him again. it was good fun and thats all tha tmatters.

new years continued

haha im so ashamed about new years....me and nita for once were like 'lets just go crazy.' so we both did. we didn't think we'd have the guts but we did get so smashed off champagne. we went to the mcdonalds who spent $3000 on alcohol! and it was great, so much fun. we just talked to everyone and had an awesome time. then new years came and um....haha...um....ahem....lets say i think i hooked up with this guy called mitch (? apparently use to live here!? so gross, biggest regret out of the guys i did hook up with. he just looked like a real asshole even though he was nice to me). and then micheal (ohmigawd. i hooked up with in a drunken state during teh week last week 2 and have been trying to avoid him, but i said happy new years and he stuck his tongue in. he'd just been weird coz he was like texting us and kept asking what we were doing so that scared me) and some random in teh pool, very cute, but yeah (oh gawd i am so ashamed.) and i think another random along teh way. and then cole! FUCK! so no one in town has escaped him. like coz cole has a girlfirnd right and during the time he's been here he keeps asking me to kiss him and pulling me aside ad trying to. and then he gave up and i was like good. coz he so doesn't like me, just trying to pull. and he was like 'ohmigawd, i cant believe i did it. yes, the second sister! after how long" so he had managed to hook up with chantay too! hahaahaa. and chantay hooked up with alistair too. OHMIGAWD. then after the mcdonalds, sean got in his hilux and dropped us at the club and we just ditched him, haha. now i get onto fred.....okay, so i have never hooked up with this boy right....but i finally did on new years. and im hopeing he never finds out about the others ay.....shit......haha.....(thats a nervous haha, by the way....). and then we went home but we were locked out. chantay slept on a chair, chelle slept on teh doormat and i slept on a sunbed in teh back of the truck.

new years

zeke and jemima - ohmigawd, don't even wanna go there, but lets just say on new years zeke lost the car, his phone, his everything because he was traumjitised by this chick. chantay found him under the wyliee's vehicale. she keeps on leading him on coz she wants the power and he keeps on falling for it. anyways after he smashed a drink at me and sevrine . is feet. and i went up to jemima and said 'once a slut, always a slut. fuck you ya slut." and then i felt bad, but RJ said not to worry about it and she deserved it, so after consulting with them who did not help i went up to her and she looked shit scared and started crying, so i said sorry then. anywyas, fuck them two crazies. i NEED A SMOKE>

peta - she did get back with damen but i think now its over ay. she wanted to get with rachel on friday night and she's like 'im bi' and all upset, it was so funny! but she's all right.

sam - he's happy. i am so happy he's back i love that boy so much.

joseph - he's all right. but have hardly seen him at all. he has no money so whats the point. he came out one night and expected me to pay for him the whole night so i told him to get fucked basically. he now owes me money.

tish - okay so i saw something in her that changed. but then i heard from joseph that she's just been screwing whoever to get back at freddy and then paul and josephtold me that she got back with him, he bashed her up and no one has heard from her since. but she was so much better off without him like she was talking and being happy and calling me. and another thing, she told me she liked fred (after i said i liked him first) and not to even go there. and basically told joseph she'd kill me if i did.

rachel - has hooked up with so many people its not even funny ay. finaly rick told her on new years to get over it and he didn't like her and he wants to move on. she got with some guy that was on julie's porno. yes well she just told me 2 mins ago that she ended up screwing blake (gawd i love him ay. he's so funny. me and him were going off at olinta and telling her to get fucked coz she poured a drink on him. and we threatened to throw her in the pool. haha) at new years after he spent the whole night gettting with chantay. haha.

simon - who gives a shit.i just pretend i dont know him now.he has no friends.

erin - not much up with her, do you remember danni? stayed with erin for two days. and we saw samantha and partied it up with her. erin hooked up with jimmy but he dont want her. then shely throws awater botlte after him and he's cahsing us down the street, swearing and so angry. we were so scared but laughing our heads off. he even punched the car and opened the door.

i need to get out of this job and gibs finally got fired. she was working downstairs somewhere but she quit there as well.. so i havent seen her.. she broke up with her latest boyfriend recently. i think its been a bit shit for her. today was one of the shittest days of my life.. i wont go into it.. but my parents officially know every single tiny isty bitsy detail about me.. which makes me feel so vulnerable and completely exposed (i feel like ive said this to you before). so that whole event today (parents finding out yet even more shit about me) resulted in me coming home early from the farm - missing out on the new years celebration of my life.. so im cut up.. pissed off .. and kinda depressed. meh dude...i think ill be seeing someone soon. like.. doctor.. whooo.. im going to think of it as a good thing though i can predict there will be wailing and tears and snotty noses and screaming fits (maybe no screaming fits) but hmm.. thats what you get for bottling that shit up for so long. pretty sure my parents have no fucking clue how to deal with me... tell me is that a good or bad thing? fuck my new years is going to suck. i have 30 minutes to decide if i wanna go to a lame party... its shit because i could have been at liam's lush green farm (seriously the air up there is so clear, you actually notice the difference between the quality of city and country air when you breathe) surrounded by cows mooing gently, watching the sun set and drinking beer. then at 12 head up to the hill sipping pina colattas (cant spell) to sit and watch the fireworks laughing like the happy drunks that we are (or would have been) before running down to the shed to sit by the fire and toast marshmellows and burn playing cards. ho hum. i love that my friend reads self help books. and that you admit it.

so he fucked up. hmm.. my friend, self help book person, says her love life is fucked but her lovelife is really quite complicated.. so im suggesting you stick to this simple rule. LISTEN TO YOUR VAGINA! thats the best advice i have. and we dont want your vagina to get really really really depressed because it might develop a tumour or something and turn into a penis. that would suck. literally. lol no really. i have no idea what to say.. because in the 'lovelife' area we are fairly different (i think). but hey.. do you what you do because .. thats easiest.. and everyone loves you the way you are (sorry for the cliche) and ... brb ..pizza.. and i really need to think about what im trying to say hear.. because i sound like a drunken uncle recovering from a nasty divorce trying to give advice to his 8 year old niece about gay sex positions... so i will return.. back.. now.. i reckon.. just go with it.. easy come easy go...yeah.. im no pro on the topic so ill leave it at that..

im feeling pretty screwed up but i can tell you that i feel a shit load better knowing that i have at least one dependable friend who i can count on and talk to (jemma and i had a fight about my depression or something pathetic that wasnt even worth mentioning .. it brings everyone down and as far as i can see.. its pointless to talk about something that isnt going to change .. within the near future (or maybe it will )).